irrivocably so

It is the 16th. My best friend leaves for Spain tomorrow. I haven't been able to reach her.
I cheerish moments like these...
Harry Potter's been seelling out like mad. And little boys that look like Charles relentlessly come to "inquire" about their reserved copies. Not to mention live tape from scotland.
I lied to everyone tonight. Lev thinks I'm sleeping. Two other's beleive I'm sick with something nasal.
And while I was debating feeling guilty for telling such untruths, I concluded that I didn't have to say anything at all. In fact, they should be so lucky as to recieve an excuse.
This is how you feel about me, isn't it? I should feel lucky to have gotten any answer at all.

I was heavy in thought about you, and it made me smile. I reliazed what would quell the pain. If I thought more about just you, and not the emetic state of affairs we are in. Just happy thought. If I can seperate them, I can love you forever just fine. This epiphany however, lasted under a day. The sky only turns from one shade of gray to another.

I'm glad yuriy "left" me when he did. If he'd kept me stringing along I wouldn't have been pulled away by Charles. In fact, I would have forgotten him very quickly. I would still be that person. It's very hard to not be that person. I'm weaker now, but more human. I understand commited love. I've felt it. This is state is comparitively wretched, but sometimes it's more reasonable to cry all night, than to turn your head and close your eyes.